Have you ever noticed that life is hard? Peter and I have been talking so much about this lately. It seems that no matter where we go, who we meet, or who we talk to, life is hard. It doesn't seem to matter what kind of background people come from. Rich, poor, Honduran, American ... life is hard and it hurts. The cause of the pain and the pain itself may look different, but the pain and the difficulty is there everywhere I turn.
Here in Honduras we see so much extreme poverty and so much death. It can feel overwhelming at times. For me, my role in this poverty can be confusing. How am I to help the community? What can I do to truly ease the pain? Anything? Nothing? At times, it feels that the weight of the poverty and desperation I see all around me is resting on my shoulders.
Today I went down to the hospital to have lunch with Peter. When I was there, I saw a mom who had her baby with her: a baby that obviously had some type of disability. The baby was large yet unable to move correctly. The mom seemed to be struggling to hold the baby. She was poor. She was there alone. Hurt radiated from her. I didn't know what to do or how to help. I felt powerless. At the time, my own baby was screaming bloody murder, so I needed to get home. I prayed for her and her baby and asked the Lord to give me another chance to talk with her, to minster to her. And then I drove home, IN MY CAR, to a beautiful house that has electricity, a clean bathroom, and a kitchen full of food. Yes, we have sacrificed to live in Honduras, but still we have so much. And I prayed, Lord, why me? Why was I born into the family that I was? Why was I born into the opportunity that I was? Why not that mom? Why not her baby?
"To him who has been given much, much will be required." And I think, the Lord is requiring a lot from me. But, just because he is requiring a lot from me, does not mean that I know what He is asking. I am not someone who feels like I hear the Lord speaking to me very often. But, I do know that the more I listen and free myself from distraction, the more I feel His gentle promptings throughout the day. I don't often feel a strong sense of a big vision or direction that He is leading. Usually it is just a small promoting or feeling that He wants me to act, a person he wants me to reach out to: to give food, to write an email, to give a hug, to offer a smile.
I am not a naturally extroverted or overly-friendly person (if you didn't know who was writing this post, now you know it's Katie :) ) so these small things often feel huge to me. It is hard for me to reach out, hard for me to lead, hard for me to initiate, especially with someone I don't know well. Usually the Lord and I have a conversation about how I don't want to do whatever he is asking, he continues to prompt and so I obey. I doubt his ability or desire to use me so much of the time. And often the things that He asks of me seem so insignificant. I pray and trust that He knows better than I do, that He will take my "insignificant" efforts and make them significant.
And as much as I hate and don't understand the poverty and the hurting, I am choosing today to obey, to help, to reach out, and be Jesus in whatever small ways I can. The things that I am doing will not right the injustices that I see or take away pain and poverty, but I'm praying that He will take the small and insignificant things and make them significant.
- Katie
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