The first two weeks

So, I have been needing to update the blog, wanting to let you all know how we are doing and how the first few weeks are going. But I have been avoiding it. Because, frankly, it's been really hard. Really hard. And I have been struggling. And I don't like to admit that; not at all. But we can be real with each other, right? Realness is refreshing when I see it and experience it in other people. It helps me know that I am not alone - I am not the only one who feels this way or struggles like I do. So here, friends, is the truth of the past two weeks.

I knew that coming here would not be a breeze - we left a lot - big house, secure job, great church, incredible family, amazing friends. I knew that that would be hard, but honestly, I avoided dealing with the emotions of all of that while we were home because it felt too hard and too overwhelming. And then we arrived. In Honduras. An hour away from a grocery store or any sort of store. With all new people (which for an introvert like me is quite a challenge, though for Peter it is super fun). Away from family. With three crying girls. And I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with homesickness - for my mom and dad and family and church and friends and even our little apartment. Overwhelmed with the desire for the familiar. Overwhelmed with the exhaustion of what we had just gone through. Overwhelmed with taking care of three girls age four and under. Overwhelmed with cooking. And new food. And Spanish. And new relationships. Just. Plain. Overwhelmed.

Moving is always hard. But it feels crazy hard this time. And, I don't really understand it all. I don't understand our purpose here. I don't understand my purpose here. I don't understand why we need to be here, so far away from all of the people that we love. I don't understand why we couldn't keep loving people in Phoenix and doing our Jesus thing there. Why here, Lord? It seems crazy. I have been struggling so much - I have felt paralyzed - in a way that I have never experienced before in my life - unable to cope - for two weeks.

Any time over the past few weeks that I have prayed, I have felt the Lord say, "Trust me." And that has made me mad - super awesome spiritual missionary, right? But, it has. I feel like I have trusted so much and given up so much and I don't want to trust. It feels hard. And I want to go home.

Yesterday morning, Peter could see that I was struggling and very graciously took the girls outside for a couple of hours so I could have some time. I sat on our bed and bawled my eyes out. And prayed. And told the Lord all the things that hurt and didn't like and didn't understand. And He slowly and kindly reminded me of truths that I have known, but have wanted to push to the back because it feels so hard to hold onto truth. But He is worth it. He is faithful. And He is trustworthy. And His truth is so much better and richer even if it is hard. These are the verses He brought to me.

Exodus 14: 13-14
Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."

Joshua 21: 45
Not one of all the Lord's good promises to Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.

Joshua 23: 8
But you are to hold fast to the Lord your God, as you have until now.

Trust me, He is saying. He will fight for me. I don't have to strive. I don't have to have the energy. He will do it. Trust me, He is saying. He has been faithful to fulfill His promises and He will do it again. Trust me, He is saying. Cling to Him and don't let go. He is my lifeline and the way that I have made it through in the past and that I will make it through in the now and in the future. Trust me, He is saying. So today, I choose to trust. Even though it's hard. Even though I don't understand. I choose to trust Him in this Honduras thing. Where is He asking you to trust Him today? He is faithful.