The Good Things

I can't believe it has been a month since I last updated the blog. Time is passing so quickly! Yesterday I was talking to my mom (have I mentioned she's awesome?!) and she asked me about positive things I am seeing here, things I like, ways I see God working. At first, it took me a minute. Once I started listing, I kept thinking of more things. God is changing me. He is changing our family. I still don't totally understand our purpose here, but I know He is faithful and I am looking for the ways He is working. This is the list I gave my mom:

1. I like the changes I see in my girls. They seems less prissy. They seem less picky. They are interested in bugs and want to play in the dirt. They will eat almost everything I serve them. They don't whine as much. They are learning Spanish and will start a conversation with someone in Spanish. They are NOT by any means perfect. We are still struggling with behavior, but I like the changes I see in them. I like who they are becoming. I like who Jesus is making them. I like who Honduras is making them.
2. I like that Peter is home in the mornings. At home, he would leave for work before the girls were up, before I was up. Here, He is able to eat breakfast with us. We can have devotions together as a family. He takes the girls to school for me so that I can have 20minutes to read my Bible before the day starts. I like that we can start the day together as a family. 
3. I like that I have been able to start using some of my counseling background. Not a ton, but a bit. It's been a long time since I've been able to and I love it. I love listening. I love trying to hear the Lord in the midst of other's lives. I love having God use me in this way. I like that Honduras is bringing that out of me.
4. I like going to the beach. I never thought that we would live in a place so close to the beach. And I love it. We go down there about once a weeks a family. The girls love it. Peter and I love it. I like living close to the beach.
5. I like the changes I see in Peter. He enjoys going to work. He enjoys what He is doing. He feels fulfilled when He comes home. I like being around him. I like him. I like the person he is in Honduras.  

As I make the list, I continue to think of more things to add. Gratitude is like that. The more we thank, the more we find to be thankful for. About a year ago, I read the book One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voscamp. A friend reminded me of it last night. If you haven't read it, you should. It's so good. Reminds us to be thankful, to find God in the little and ordinary and mundane things. He is there. He is good. 

Another great thing about being here are my neighbors. They have been a HUGE blessing. One of my neighbors has taken a ton of great pictures of the girls at the beach and at the playground. I thought you would enjoy seeing them … well, I'll enjoy sharing them :)

Thanks for your support and your love. We love and are so grateful for all of you!

Heart Change

God is good. All the time. Amen? Amen.

Thank you for letting me be honest and real. It feels vulnerable and scary, but right to be real. I love that about the Lord. He wants the truth of me. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. So often, I think that I expect more of myself than He does. I hold myself to a higher standard than He does. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He expects me to pursue Him, to love Him, to seek relationship with Him, to be obedient to Him … but perfection? Nope. That's just me who expects that. He knows that living this thing we call the Christian life is about sanctification, about daily learning to be more like Him. He designed it that way. He wants me to lean on Him more. So He can love me more and I can love Him more. He is so good. He is so faithful. Thank you, Jesus, for accepting and loving the truth of me and for walking today with me.

Does heart change bring about a change in actions or does a change in actions bring about heart change? I have been mulling over this for the past few weeks (and then we discussed it at Biblestudy this past week - the Lord is definitely trying to teach me something). I think the answer is yes. I know, it's not a yes or no question. But, I think that both statements are true. I think that at some point our hearts have to change in order for our actions to change. For example, when we make that first decision to follow Jesus, our hearts change. And our actions, if we are actively seeking Jesus, will most likely change. But what about when my heart isn't ready for the things that I know Jesus is asking me to do? Do I wait to obey until my heart is ready? Or do I just obey and pray that my heart will catch up? I have seen that if I obey and follow Jesus where He is leading, my heart will catch up. I decided to start living here and trying to be here in Honduras, to get involved in the place God has called our family to be. The first day was hard, the next was easier, and the next … now it has been two weeks since our last blog post and I can tell you that God is so faithful. He is so good. He is changing my heart. He is giving me a desire to be here, a desire to love well here, a desire to find out why He has us here. He is giving me contentment. I am learning joy. As I obey, my heart is following after me and I am desiring more of this place.

Last week I went down to the Bilingual school that is run by some of our fellow missionaries (where Kenna is attending Kindergarten). It is an incredible place. I loved being there. I got to work with two different students, tutoring them and helping them in areas they are struggling. It was so good for me to remember what it is like to teach, to connect with kids who need so much, to try to see them and love them as Jesus sees them and loves them. I am so grateful that we get to be here, that we get to be a part of the incredible ministries that are happening in this community. I still don't know exactly why the Lord brought me here, but that's ok. I see His hand everywhere we go. I know that He is here. I know that He is working. I know that He has a plan that is so much better than mine. I choose to trust. I'm excited for this journey, excited to dive in and live this life He has called me to live. Obedience is worth it. He is worth it. He is working. The sign on the hospital gate here says "Dios Obra Aqui" - "God is at work here". It's true. He is working. In the community. In the hospital. In my heart. He is changing me and growing me and making me better. He is at work with you too, wherever you are. Look for Him today. Where is He asking you to obey? Where is He asking you to follow? He is worth it.

The first two weeks

So, I have been needing to update the blog, wanting to let you all know how we are doing and how the first few weeks are going. But I have been avoiding it. Because, frankly, it's been really hard. Really hard. And I have been struggling. And I don't like to admit that; not at all. But we can be real with each other, right? Realness is refreshing when I see it and experience it in other people. It helps me know that I am not alone - I am not the only one who feels this way or struggles like I do. So here, friends, is the truth of the past two weeks.

I knew that coming here would not be a breeze - we left a lot - big house, secure job, great church, incredible family, amazing friends. I knew that that would be hard, but honestly, I avoided dealing with the emotions of all of that while we were home because it felt too hard and too overwhelming. And then we arrived. In Honduras. An hour away from a grocery store or any sort of store. With all new people (which for an introvert like me is quite a challenge, though for Peter it is super fun). Away from family. With three crying girls. And I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with homesickness - for my mom and dad and family and church and friends and even our little apartment. Overwhelmed with the desire for the familiar. Overwhelmed with the exhaustion of what we had just gone through. Overwhelmed with taking care of three girls age four and under. Overwhelmed with cooking. And new food. And Spanish. And new relationships. Just. Plain. Overwhelmed.

Moving is always hard. But it feels crazy hard this time. And, I don't really understand it all. I don't understand our purpose here. I don't understand my purpose here. I don't understand why we need to be here, so far away from all of the people that we love. I don't understand why we couldn't keep loving people in Phoenix and doing our Jesus thing there. Why here, Lord? It seems crazy. I have been struggling so much - I have felt paralyzed - in a way that I have never experienced before in my life - unable to cope - for two weeks.

Any time over the past few weeks that I have prayed, I have felt the Lord say, "Trust me." And that has made me mad - super awesome spiritual missionary, right? But, it has. I feel like I have trusted so much and given up so much and I don't want to trust. It feels hard. And I want to go home.

Yesterday morning, Peter could see that I was struggling and very graciously took the girls outside for a couple of hours so I could have some time. I sat on our bed and bawled my eyes out. And prayed. And told the Lord all the things that hurt and didn't like and didn't understand. And He slowly and kindly reminded me of truths that I have known, but have wanted to push to the back because it feels so hard to hold onto truth. But He is worth it. He is faithful. And He is trustworthy. And His truth is so much better and richer even if it is hard. These are the verses He brought to me.

Exodus 14: 13-14
Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."

Joshua 21: 45
Not one of all the Lord's good promises to Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.

Joshua 23: 8
But you are to hold fast to the Lord your God, as you have until now.

Trust me, He is saying. He will fight for me. I don't have to strive. I don't have to have the energy. He will do it. Trust me, He is saying. He has been faithful to fulfill His promises and He will do it again. Trust me, He is saying. Cling to Him and don't let go. He is my lifeline and the way that I have made it through in the past and that I will make it through in the now and in the future. Trust me, He is saying. So today, I choose to trust. Even though it's hard. Even though I don't understand. I choose to trust Him in this Honduras thing. Where is He asking you to trust Him today? He is faithful.

We Made It

The past few weeks have been such a whirlwind I don't even know where to begin. Packing up our house into ten suitcases, getting together all of the last minute things, and saying goodbye to friends and family was exhausting. Thank you so much to all of you who helped us out during the last few weeks!! We could not have done it without you. And we did it!

                   Here we are with the truck loaded up before heading to the airport.

And these are our bags piled high to take inside. 

Notice the devious look on Koley's face? Me either. But I should've because we were in for it!

She finally gave up and went to sleep. Best. Thing. Ever. Having this precious one sleep in my arms.

Peter and Kinzie getting ready to watch a movie before take-off.

It was a crazy two days of travel: Koley with an allergic reaction before we boarded the plane, crying girls, tired girls, exploding diapers, more luggage than we could carry …. but we survived and we are here. Praise Jesus.

It has been a crazy 24 hours. We had the WARMEST welcome buy everyone here. People to carry our luggage inside when we arrived, presents for the girls, fresh bread, dinner invitation, people willing to help however they can. I have been overcome by the kindness and open arms that have received us. What a gift. 

It feels surreal. Part of me feels like I am just moving into a new apartment as I unpack our things. And the other part of me cannot stop thinking about the fact that WE LIVE IN HONDURAS NOW. It feels like we have been planning and praying about this for so long and now we are here and we are living it. So. Crazy. 

The thing that is the craziest to me, I think, is that I feel peaceful. I don't know why that is surprising to me, but it is. I feel overwhelmed with trying to figure everything out here and make a new life in someplace that is so different from everything I am used to and so far away from all of the people that I love, but I feel at peace. I keep crying because I miss my family, but I feel at peace. I don't understand the money, but I am at peace. I don't understand the culture, but I am at peace. So many things that feel overwhelming and yet I am at peace. I am convinced that this is the place for which the Lord has been preparing my family and that, my friends, is an incredible feeling. I know that things will not be easy. I know they will be confusing and hard and challenging and that I will probably want to come home at times, but I also know that we serve a great big God and that He has great plans for me. I am so excited to discover those plans as we live life here in Honduras. And I am grateful for His peace that assures me that I am exactly where He wants me. 

Stockton Family Pictures

I know you were all waiting in anticipation to see these pics ;) I am so in love with my cute little fam. They are amazing. And crazy. And impossible. And beautiful. They drive me crazy and make me happier than I have ever been. I love them more than I can explain and am so grateful that God gave me the blessing of being their mama. 

This one is quite possibly by favorite out of the whole bunch. Peter is an incredible Daddy to these babies and they adore him. I see that written all over this picture, don't you?

Kenna is one of the sweetest most precious girls you will ever meet. She has an amazingly tender and sensitive heart. She loves her sisters well and protects them. She loves Jesus; her understanding of him and his love her at 4yrs old totally blows me away. She loves artwork and is constantly drawing amazing pictures. One day she told me that she wants to be an artist when she grows up so that she can make pictures to send to people who are sad. I mean, really? So. Sweet. 

Kinzie is my crazy one. She has more energy and spunk than any kid I have ever known. She is so curious all of the time and has to know how everything works. She is so smart and so determined. She loves well, even for 3yrs old. The way that she comes and snuggles next to me and tells me she loves me just melts my heart. She has a tenderness in the midst of the craziness that melts me. I learn so much from her about passion and joy and excitement for life. 

Koley has the best smile. Ever. She can light up a room with her smile. She is always smiling and wants to be in the center of the action. She loves her sisters so much and wants to do everything they are doing. She is a touch little cookie; not much phases her and she keeps up with the big girls really well. She is always so happy and it is contagious. Peter and I constantly say to each other, "She just kills me." Her expressions, her mannerisms, the way she walks; she brings us so much joy. 

They all do. These three beauties are such an amazing blessing from the Lord. 

How did I get so lucky as to be married to my best friend? Peter is amazing. He spreads joy and life wherever He goes. His passion for life is contagious. He is the most generous person I have ever known. He will literally give you the shirt off your back because he truly cares about you. He holds material things loosely and is willing to sacrifice anything for someone he sees that needs help. He loves people and has never met a stranger. In so many ways, he is totally the opposite of me, but he balances me out perfectly. I have learned and grown and become so much better of a person by being with him. He makes me want to be better; a better person, a better follower of Jesus, a better friend, a better mother, a better wife; just better. There is no one else that I would want to do this Honduras thing with. I adore him. 

And these next photos are how life in the Stockton house usually is: total chaos. 

Thank you Leah Hope Photography for capturing our family so well!!!

The Hardest Thing to Leave

I don't know why the Lord chose to bless me with the family that He did, but wow. I am so blessed. I am constantly blown away by the way that they love me and love each other. I am so privileged to have been raised in this family.

Over Christmas break, everyone was home together and it was amazing. As a Christmas present to my parents, we had pictures taken together. And, I know I'm a bit biased :), but they turned out pretty awesome.

They are pretty great, right? Since Christmas, I've been thinking a lot about family and what it means and how my family has changed me. I thought I'd share a little about them; they're incredible.

So, if you don't know my parents, you are missing out. Two of the very best people on the planet. They love God and love the people around them better than anyone else I have ever met. They are truly the salt of the earth. They constantly give. Constantly. If they see a need, they meet it. No questions asked. 

They are a physical representation of Jesus' love. They live the gospel. They love big. They love each other. They are faithful. They are encouragers. They are incredible. I am who I am today because of them. They believe in me and challenge me and support me and love me. They do that for all four of us kids and our spouses and families. I will forever be thankful to the Lord for allowing me the privilege of being their daughter. 

This is my nuclear family (is that what it's called?) Anyways, my parents and us four kids. 

My sister, Claire, is a rockstar. She is one of the most fun people I have ever been around. She is a magnet. You meet her and you want to be friends with her. She embraces life and lives it. She isn't afraid to be who she is. That is such a challenge for me at times and I admire that about her. One of the coolest things has been to watch her over the past few months; she just gave birth to her daughter, Sofia. Watching her transfer into the role of a mother has been incredible. The amount of love and passion that she pours into that precious bundle is so inspiring. She makes me want to be a better mom. Her husband David is the perfect balance for her and has been a great addition to our family. He has taught us so much about culture and life and language (he is from Spain and helps us out with our Spanish). This cute little family is such a blessing. 

My sister, Betsy, is one of the strongest people I have ever met. Her passion for Jesus is captivating. Her relationship with Jesus and her strength combined together are inviting. She handles everything life throws at her with seeming ease and grace. She doesn't back down, but keeps going and keeps pressing into Jesus. Her relationship with Jesus makes me want more Jesus. She is an incredible listener and encourager. She makes me want to live life better. Her husband Donnie is a joy. He instantly puts people at ease. He has been such a breath of fresh air and a true gift to our family. They are amazing. They radiate joy. They radiate Jesus.

My brother, Luke, is faithful and determined. I know, without a doubt, that if I ever needed anything, Luke would be there in an instant. He is my younger brother, but he stands by me like a protective big brother. He doesn't give up. It has been so awesome to see him get married and have his first baby, Hadley. The determined way that he has provided for a taken care of his family is inspiring. I love the way that he loves his wife Kimber and his daughter Hadley (and soon to be Piper - yay!). His wife, Kimber, has been such a great addition to our family. She is easy to be around and so great to talk to. I love getting her input on different things. The way that she loves my brother is refreshing. Their family of three, soon to be four, is awesome. 

I've been so blessed, right? Aren't they all so great? The HARDEST part of going to Honduras for me is leaving all of them. I am so grateful that we have phones and computers for Skype dates and such, but nothing replaces just hanging out and spending time together. The thought of leaving all of them and missing watching their amazing families as they grow up and change just kills me. Seriously. I hate the thought of it. I love them so much. But, I am trusting and believing that God knows better than I do. He has a plan for them in this too. He has a plan for me and my cute little family in Honduras. And he has a plan for them here. Even though I'm not here. If you are where they are and are a part of their lives, will you give them a hug for me from time to time? And, will you pray along with me that I can do the thing today that feels impossible? And, will you pray that you can do the thing that feels impossible? I am trusting that He knows better in my life, and that He knows better in your life. He is worth it. He is worth giving up the thing most dear to us. I am believing that today, will you? 

(And if you're wondering about pics of our cute little family of five, they are coming tomorrow ... Maybe you're not wondering, but I'm dying to share :)  )

Fear to Faith

This past week I (Katie) had the opportunity to speak at the Living Streams (our church) Women's Biblestudy. I have had a lot of people ask me about getting a copy of what I said (I am so humbled and blessed that you would want to hear!), so I thought I would try to summarize my thoughts and journey here. I have to warn you, this is pretty raw Katie. This is the truth of what the Lord is doing in me currently. Honestly, its hard for me to be so open in such a "public" setting about something that is so fresh, but I keep feeling the Lord prompting me to do it, so I hope it is a blessing to you.

In this journey that we have been on since we went to that missions conference a year ago and met the people from Loma de Luz, the Lord has been teaching me so many things. I think He is always trying to teach me so many things, but so often I have such a hard time focusing and listening. I have been so shocked by the whirlwind that seems to be my life over the past year, that I have not been able to make it through the days without listening. And He has been teaching.

The things the Lord has been asking of me over the past year have not been easy. I was surprised by how hard it was been to sell my house and to give away everything that own. I have been surprised by how emotional this whole process has been ... thinking of moving my girls so far away from our family is hard. I have told the Lord that I want to say yes to Him. I want to follow Him into what He has for me each day. And I know in my head that it is worth it, but I have found myself wondering why. Why is it worth it? What do people mean when they say that it is so awesome to be in the middle of God's will, even if it means that the place He has me is hard? When I used to hear that, I found myself thinking that those people must just be saying that, but that it can't really be true. And now, the Lord has taught me that it is true, for a couple of reason.

First, I am experiencing His love in ways that I never have before; it is amazing. I have been so blessed with the most fabulous family and an INCREDIBLE, seriously incredible, husband who all love me so well. But, I have to tell you that they have NOTHING on the way Jesus loves me. NOTHING. He has been meeting me in the midst of this pain and struggle and joy. On days when I think I can't possibly do it anymore, I can't possibly say yes, HE IS THERE. He has someone call me in that moment to encourage me. Or send me an email. Or someone joins our support team. He is constantly assuring me that I am not walking this journey alone. He is with me every step of the way, loving me.

Second, He is transforming me and changing me. My whole life, I have been a person who has struggled with fear. Fear of so many things ... insecurities ... fears of what people will think of me ... fears of not fitting in ... fears of failure ... fears of not being enough ... fears of losing the people who mean the most to me ... fears of stepping out in the wrong direction ... fears of making mistakes ... you get the idea, right? Fear. The coolest thing: He is transforming that fear into faith. Changing it. Allowing me to take steps and do things that I never would have done before. Allowing me freedom from that fear. Breaking the chains of fear. Saying no to that fear. Transforming my mind. No. More. Fear. Praise Jesus. Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not saying its gone. It's still a struggle. But, it is not my master and I am tasting freedom.

When I first felt the Lord call me to the mission field as an 8th grader, I thought that He would have me go on the field once I had it together spiritually and was a spiritual rockstar. Haha. I am definitely not there. Most days, I feel like a hot mess, like I am barely making it through. But, He is there. He is loving me. He is holding me. And He is transforming my mind: replacing my fear with faith.

So, what about you? It's not just me who He wants to do this for. He is dying to love you. He is dying to transform you. In fact, He did die so that you could be free. Free from fear. Free from insecurity. Free from __________. You fill in the blank. He wants to transform your mind. And He wants to love you in the midst of it, better than you have ever been loved before. But you have to say yes.  What if you said yes today? What if you ran to Him today, even if it felt like it might kill you? I promise, it won't. He is worth it, my friend. He is so so worth it. He loves you. Let's say yes together today.